When politics becomes personal
by CJ
Two days ago, The Texas Observer published an article I wrote about my experience with Texas’ new sonogram law. As I write this post, there are 772 reader comments at the end of the piece.
I shouldn’t be surprised. During the heartbreak of losing a baby we also bumped up against one of the country’s most divisive political topics: abortion. Our very personal story is now part of a bigger conversation and, like the debate itself, not all of the voices are civil. I admit that it was scary to step into the fray, especially when our own grief is still so raw. However, as a friend to many magnificent women in Texas and, most importantly, as the mother of a daughter, I feel that I must say something.
Since the article went live, my inbox has been inundated with messages of support from men and women all across the U.S. Some have suffered pregnancy losses themselves, many feel angry about the current state of politics, and all have humbled me with their kindness. In the face of so much that is sad and bad in this situation, there is much to feel hopeful for.
Readers, I know that you come from all parts of the political spectrum and it’s not my intention to use my blog as a soapbox. However, if you’re interested in reading the piece, you can find it here. Thank you, as ever, for the warmth and empathy you’ve shown me on these pages.
Carolyn, I just read your story and I had to find a way to tell you how sorry I am, even if you never get a chance to read it. I lost a baby that I initially didn’t want, only because I was too young to meet the responsibilities. But the loss nearly destroyed me. I cannot come close to imagining what it must be like to look forward to a baby, and have to make the choice that you did. I hope you know you did the best you could for your son, and that that brings you (and your husband) a little peace. I know you probably do not need me to tell you this, but please do not pay attention to the negative comments. YOU and your husband are the only ones who know the situation that you and your son were in. My heart broke for you and your family. I hope time eases some of the pain you must be feeling.
I felt like I was holding my breath while reading through your entire story. My body was tense and my eyes brimmed with tears. I am appalled by what you had to go through and am left shaking my head at the state of affairs that have even led to such a thing happening. I am not religious. I am not political. I do not understand why these things play into a situation such as yours.
You are brave and strong to share your story with others and by doing so you are making a difference. Story by story a difference is being made. Thank you for sharing yours.
I am so, so sorry you had to go through any of this, the Texas sonogram law is insane. As soon as I heard rumblings of this over a year ago, I headed to my state representative’s office, Wendy Davis and let my thoughts be known. She agreed and supported my stance, but it was going to be difficult to go up against the Republicans and Gov. Perry. I was so sad to read your article, this was exactly what I was ranting about in Rep. Davis office and here I was reading the reality of what I hoped really wouldn’t happen. God’s heartfelt blessings to you and your family.
You and your family are brave and strong. With respect and admiration, I send you heartfelt goodwill.
So sorry for your continued pain and anguish, Cj.
I’m so glad you wrote the article, though, even if you had to relive the horrific experience again. It’s important for the conservatives to put a face to this thing and your words nailed it.
My thoughts are with you.
You are brave to share your painful story and open yourself up to anonymous, cowardly cruelty. You write beautifully and your story speaks for itself– I wish everyone in America would read it.
And very many people have read it– I found it on Facebook, where it was shared by several friends. I’m glad to have found your blog as well!
Firstly, I am SO glad to see you. Secondly, I can’t believe, nor would I wish, that type of political garbage on anyone. In this state, luckily, these types of issues don’t rear their ugly heads, and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It’s wrong on so many levels. I interned as a counselor at Planned Parenthood when I began graduate school, and I was so pleased and proud of the professionalism and ease of services provided. Thirdly, I am so sorry for your loss.
If you’d like to write further about this, expound on it, talk about the reaction, your family’s reaction, any of it, please let me know. You have an open podium at my place anytime.
CJ,
You’re the bravest one in the family, and as you know, you come from and married into a tribe of fearless females. We could not be prouder of you. Our admiration, love and support always.
Uncle J
I came by your article via Andrew Sulivan’s blog. I’d expect traffic to the article and your inbox to increase dramatically.
I wanted to thank you for writing the article. It was profound and moving. I spend a lot of my time in abstractions, law and politics, and articles like yours remind me that it is about human beings. And of course, I want to express my sympathies, as much as any stranger can. No one should have to suffer like you did, and certainly not alone. And what that law did, for how ever many hours at a time, was put the law between you and your caregivers. What abortion politics does is put abstract issues between you and your community. I guess (hope? Pray?) that you have plenty around you that love you – I just wish there was even more.
And just like that, I spoke too soon. This is what greeted me on my personal FB page this morning: http://news.providencejournal.com/breaking-news/2012/03/ri-bill-to-requ.html
Ugh.
I just read your article, and it was phenomenal–your words are so incredibly honest and intimate. As a reader, I can imagine your circumstances through your words. However, as a woman, I strongly admire your courage to speak openly about your experiences, and I am angered that your difficult choice was made so much more painful due to politicians and close-minded legislation.
Your words give an honest, human, first-hand account to abstract laws and (perceived) black and white issues.
Thank you for being a strong woman and an amazing writer.
Thank you for your article in the Observer. I’m so sorry for your (and your husband’s) loss.
I’m grateful though, that you wrote a piece that so clearly show why these types of laws and bills hurt people and make it so much harder in an already hard situation. I simply don’t understand why there are so many legislators who are interested in inflicting pain… And your eloqence show how grey and not black and white this area of medicine is, and how a ‘regular’ family can be hurt. Again, thank you for the nuances and thoughts and I wish you and your family all the best in the future.
I read your story and I am so sorry for your loss and the trama you went through. I live in TX. At the time this law was a bill, I was told by people for this law that all women would have a choice. They left out the part about the dr. telling you everything he sees on the sonogram. I feel lied to. I am also mad at planned parenthood for what it did to you. They knew everything about that law except who it exempts. I am meeting my TX state congressman and I will be bring whole thing up. Wheather you are pro life or pro choice, what happened to you is worng and should not happen to anyone.
Dear Carolyn,
I am very sorry for you and your husband’s loss; I came across your story via links which originated with the ‘BBC’ web site that I use.
But I cannot believe (from an outsiders point of view), how ‘the home of the free world’
is becoming so polarized
Regards, Steve
I remain so saddened by what happened to you and your family. I’m amazed by your strength, too. Writing that essay for the Observer was surely very, very hard in itself. You have my admiration…
I am so sorry for your lose and I applaud your strength to share your story.
I’d like to share an experience. Sorry its bad. When my wife was expecting our first child, the placenta had a bad connection to the womb – too low. Therefore, she had to saty in bed for 4 months, ocasionally bleeding. I had to carry her to the WC, her muscles where like rubber. But nevertheless, after 4 and a half months of pregnancy, the amniotic bag ripped off for good. We ran to the maternity, where everybody looked at us strangely, but it was only in the next morning that I understood why: they thought we caused the abortion!. How do I know that? Because, when our dead baby was expelled, one of the nurses said: “Do you want to see your João?” (João is John, in portuguese; fortunately, we had thought of other name) and the lifted the little corpse and shoved it in front of my wife’s eyes. We let the matter drop, as we were wishing to mourn and have some relief. But this pin remains under our nails. We know she has done that because she wanted to “punish” my wife for the abortion, even without knowing the causes! It was 15 years ago. We now have a beautiful 11-years old girl, and never get back to that institution. But I feel that Texas and Idaho legislators are causing as much pain to women as that nurse caused us. And it is simply not right. Thanks, Carolyn.
Thank you for sharing your story. If it makes one legislator stop and think about what they are voting on or developing, you have been successful. Hugs and love to you and your family for all the pain you have been through and are still working through. Again, thank you.
Right after I finished reading your heart-rending piece, I happened across another about legislation in Alaska requiring a permission slip from the man before permitting abortion. Needless to say, I am awash with tears. I cannot believe that my country has fallen to this inhuman level.
I applaud you for having the strength to share your painful story. It must have been difficult to relive it, but you’ve done American women a great service.
Read this today and cried. One pain heaped upon another. I am so sorry.
Wishing you and your family an enormous measure of grace and peace in your grief.
Hoping your voice will open eyes and facilitate legislative change.
Thank you so much for your honesty and your bravery coming forward with this. I’m so sorry that you lost your baby and that you had to go through this on top of an already terrible experience. My mother had a miscarriage before I was born
(Oops, damn Enter key) and had to have a D&C afterward. I hate the idea of her having to go through this as well. It’s a terrible thing. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so sorry for your loss. I keep reading that people cannot believe what is happening to our country – and yet it keeps happening. Most women seeking abortions are already mothers and most have come to the decision after considering all other options. They do not change their minds following the “additional information” or the sonogram. Therefore, we must assume this law is meant punitively – to punish women for the decision, itself. It is emotional abuse and if the procedure is intravaginal as it is in most cases, physical abuse as well. I feel that we are living out a Margarat Atwood novel. I hope that the support and wishes of well being that you receive somehow manage to outweight the hurtful and hateful ones. Beautiful article – perfect writing – horrible circumstances. Thank you for your bravery.
I echo all the comments here. Thank you for putting a personal face on this, no matter how horrific it must have been. It’s terrible to see this happening in our country, and I’m so sorry you had to go through this. You’re a beautiful person and I am ever impressed by your strength.
Thank you for sharing your story. It illustrates just how wrong-minded these laws are.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I just read your piece. I am so deeply sorry for what you’ve all been through. Politics in this country are out of hand, and impacting people’s lives in horrific ways. You’re incredibly brave to have written about your experience as you did; I really believe voices like yours are a crucial and powerful representation of humanity in the face of a soulless political system. Your family is in our hearts. Although we’ve not yet met in person, please please let me know if there’s anything you need. At all. Dinner dropped off, a park date, I dunno, anything.
Thank you so much, everyone, for your kind and beautiful words. My heart is full at the thought of how much humanity can spring from an experience that is so bad. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your compassion.
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